Archive | August 2013

Pull the trigger then bite the mango. Part 1.

Table spoon.

That rush

That rush

Crush the meds down. Now, brush the powder-like substance into the spoon.
Rip the plastic off the plastic vessel. Reveal the syringe then gently twist the needle on – Careful, the tip is sharp but not that sturdy. I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is to pierce yourself with a broken point.

– Getting close now.

Lift the spoon then spark the lighter underneath it. – It melts. I guess the gods intended for this experience to occur. They gave us options…..swallow  or shoot it up; The choice is mine. Autonomy is truly a beautiful thing.

Ahh, anyways, lets rid the spoon of its liquefied burden.

Its in the syringe now. Gently tapping the side to make sure there are no air or bubbles inside it  – I feel like a doctor doing this. *tap tap tap*

Pick an arm, then strap up. – I prefer the left, the heart is towards that side.

Quickly enough a vein pops up.

We need to hurry, #WinterIsComing

Picture Pun.

We ride for the Starks !

Stab yourself with the needle – Using penetration there sounded a bit too naughty for my taste.
Then empty the foreign content into your body .

-The effects soon commence.

I feel happy.
This foreign entity makes me happy.
Lets do this more often.

I like this…

I like this addiction….. – It slowly becomes the nucleus of my life.

But, the fall from the high is a steep one



The promise of that initial stimulation keeps you around.

But it never comes.

The addiction, the thing you let inside you, you thought was sacred, you reasoned could not be replicated turns out to be a physical embodiment of  the word “public”.
People get the same treatment as you. – It’s annoying, I am not exclusive to it.
You get jealous. Conjugal visits are few and far between, and when they do happen the hits only satisfy minuscule portions of your urges – I need more but I shouldn’t push too much so I don’t end up scaring it off.

In return, this only heightens the effects of paranoia. – Where is my high going ?, with whom?, Doing what?, how long?, how frequently?.

Continuous promises and rationalizations that “this is all a phase, it will soon end” mixed with religious- type levels of belief that only this thing can provide that once god like euphoria you felt still lingers in your thoughts….but alas – *casually drops some Shakespeare in there*. There is an end, the linear thoughts eventually crawl to a halt.

There are 2 choices now.

Choices to be made..sigh


Stay. Where nothing changes, but hope that it will still lingers within your consciousness. – I mean, I prayed to God…so…


Pull the trigger on what and who you knew. Leaving with the sour memory of your failed attempt and possibly “inadequacy” as a temporary tattoo on your persona – But it’s not all doom and gloom, I still get to have the mango…




I’m Fine.

My sentences have been littered with this pedestrian reference throughout my life…

Funny thing is, whenever this is said…Things are never “FINE”.

Everyone says it though, so I am guessing they’re :

Fine with being unhealthy and looking physically unattractive?
Fine they cannot coherently interact with the other sex?
Fine with not making as much money as they’d wish?
Fine with their failed attempts to have sex in the last 4 months?
Fine with being stuck in their heads with dissatisfaction?
Fine with their girl acting up and them lacking enough male hormones to straighten her out?

…. Not really, right?

Simply put, I realized everything I am “fine” with is largely mediocre and needs to be worked on. The goals we all wish to achieve are all alarms that are ringing out, but what do we choose to do?

Hit the snooze button.

The activation energy needed to make you do what you want to do is lacking. You lack motivation, resolve and drive – all of these I did too, before I decided to actively push myself into staying up at to write this post.

You have to force yourself, full on, 1 man, by myself, in my room, doing this, 1 laptop, Microsoft word,… my bad, Kevin hart digression.

Anyways, properly tailoring your goals to yourself, then taking physical steps towards set goal will get you moving. The worst thing in this case is lying to yourself about why you do this thing you’re about to do.



Its okay to be selfish with your aspirations, they are all about you in the first place.

“I want to get healthy” will not get you on the treadmill jogging.

I know for one, my gym dreams began on that same thought but I quickly plateaued and lost motivation to go on. Changing my thought process to “I want a toned body to excite these girls and show off” swiftly did the trick for me, and I expect it will do the same for a lot of the male species out there.

The goals do come with added benefits, fine, but you need that 1 passionate or in my case – a testosterone loaded obligation – to actually get started, and to keep it going.

Along the lines, people did question my reasons.

That “my goals are basically done for external reasons, not for myself”. But everything is done for a reason, a personal one at that. Whether that reason be putting myself on the “You can’t afford this” shelf at the out-of-shape women supermarket to making sure that my spouse receives the healthiest Y chromosomes that this body has to offer, it’s cool.

As one of my favorite motivational speakers CT Fletcher said “Get your ass in motion then you worry about my range of motion” Main thing here is being proactive and actually putting yourself out there.

Hey, they will criticize you for winging from the achy gym muscles or shooting out when you failed at talking/making out with that chick  but one thing is certain, the only shots they’ll be firing anytime soon will be into a Kleenex, and the only “beats” they’ll be getting will be from their hands.